Don't vote, it only encourages them.
Smoking shortens your cigarettes.
Money is the root of all wealth.
If age is only in the mind, why has my face got wrinkles?
Sign on college noticeboard: Free knowledge, Monday to Friday. Bring your own container.
Why is it?
That a heavy rain washes away tonnes of topsoil, but doesn't remove a speck of dust from your car?
That people who say "it goes without saying" never go without saying it?
Preventing mosquito bites
Rub yourself liberally with a good whisky and sprinkle fine sand on top. The mosquitoes land, get a sample of the whisky, and start throwing rocks at one another!
Marriage teaches you loyalty, forbearance, self-restraint, meekness and a great many other things you wouldn't need if you had stayed single.
Answering machine message
The answering machine is on holiday. This is the refrigerator speaking. If you leave a message slowly and clearly, I will write it down and stick it on myself with one of those little magnets. Thankyou.
The people who drive through the Yanchep area in West Australia must have bad eyesight.