HAPPY EASTER TO YOU ALL

Some April Fool whoppers

What a whopper  And the first one is about a whopper.  In 1998, Burger King in the US published full-page ads saying they were now selling left-handed burgers. 

Virgin on the ridiculous  Last year, Sir Richard Branson announced that Virgin had  bought Pluto, so it could be reinstated as a planet.

My personal favourite   In 1957, the BBC's Panorama programme reported on a bumper spaghetti crop in Switzerland, due to the mild winter, and the elimination of the spaghetti weevil.


Not an April fool joke!

This sign just outside Lancelin in West Australia has been standing there
 in it's own personal rusty drum for the best part of 12 months.

I wonder if the local shire needs more money, or more workers?

Short Short

The Thief
Tess made sure there was no-one home, and looking carefully around, she crept sneakily through the doorway.  As long as Oliver didn't turn up while she was investigating, she would have no problem getting what she was after.  Peeking around the corner, she saw the coast was clear.  She crept through the kitchen, eyeing the booty.  But as she reached her target, Oliver's paw whipped out from behind the stove, his claws shredding her tender doggie nose.


Quotes on aging

"As I grow old, I find myself less and less inclined to take the stairs two at a time"   Bernard Baruch

"What is wrong with settling down with a good book in a rocking chair by the fireside, wearing a comfy pair of slippers if that is what makes you happy?"       Anon

"It's only natural that a person becomes quieter as they grow older.  They've got more to keep quiet about."   Samuel Butler


My latest soap

This hand was found by my son at the tip (maybe in Lancelin).  I gave it a good scrub and painted it gold, now it makes a good holder for soap photos.

And a Happy St Patrick's Day to you all, begorra.

Did you know?

St. Patrick was born in Britain and lived there until he was a teenager.  He went to Ireland as a Christian Missionary, after having previously been a prisoner of the Irish for six years from the age of 16.
 He is believed to have died on March 17, around 460 A.D.

A "Don't mess with old ladies" joke

Two businessmen in the centre of Perth were sitting down for a break
in their soon-to-be new shop...

As  yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now someone is going to walk by,
 put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old
woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked
"What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically,
"We're selling  ass-holes."
  Without  skipping a beat, the old dear said,
"Must be doing well...only two left!"


Travelling companion

If you look REALLY carefully, you'll see a huntsman spider on my bonnet. I'd been travelling for over an hour before he came crawling up towards the windscreen. Just after I took the photo, he went back down over the front of the bonnet. I'm having my car serviced next week, so I'd better warn the mechanics, in case he's in the motor somewhere.

A funny from the internet

 I've learned....

That the less time I have to work, the more things I get done.

Very old stuff

While sorting through a box of old stuff from my parent's house, I found this receipt from the place they stayed on their honeymoon!  I'm planning to use it for the front of a card for their anniversary next month.  They were married on Friday 13th April, and the 13th is a Friday again this year.

 

A St Patrick's Day riddle

What did the Irishman say when he walked into the bar?    "Ouch!"

Better late than never.

Quotes on aging

"When we were young, you made me blush,

go hot and cold and turn to mush.

I still feel all these things, it's true -

but is it menopause, or you?"     anon

"By the time you reach my age, you've made plenty of mistakes

 if you've lived your life properly."     Ronald Reagan, 76

"To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent. 

 She can't wait to disprove it."    Cary Grant  72

A visitor in our garden

We often have carpet pythons drop in to visit.  This was the latest.



A great website for exercising your laughter muscles

The Funny Farm

One of the jokes from the Funny Farm site.

Short shorts

Unplanned
Mark was stunned.  Beth had just told him she was pregnant. At her age!  And he was only 17.  His life was ruined.  What would his mates say?  Of course it was unplanned.  He stormed out of the house, and went for a long walk to get his mind around the idea.  When he returned, he apologised to Beth, and said it probably wouldn't be too bad at all having a baby brother or sister.

The intruder
They heard the noise first; then they saw the shadowy figure in the doorway.  It almost filled the door space.  As they looked at each other, Thomas whispered "Do I see what I think I see?"  Clair nodded, afraid to make a sound.  Thomas rose carefully from his chair, walking reluctantly towards the door.  As he did so, he turned towards Claire, saying "I'll walk Neddy back to the stable and make sure his door is properly closed."


And last but not least:

My latest soaps, influenced by my little dog's marking.  I call them "Pepper's Patch".

From our garden

I've heard of a couch potato, but a mouse potato?  Or is it a potato mouse?  My husband dug this little spud up with the rest of his crop, but luckily the others were all normal. 

An anagram puzzle for you

Seen alive? Sorry pal.

Answer at the bottom of the blog.

Sign in a shoeshop window

"Buy one, get one free"

While we're on footwear,  I knitted myself a pair of socks recently.  Never done it before, on four needles.  The first one was great, after I fixed up a problem with the heel turning being at the top of the sock instead of the sole.  So I made another, measured umpteen times, with tape measure, and against the other sock.  Put them together when it was finished, and the second one is about a cm shorter in the foot than the first one! 

Fortunately, my right foot is about half a centimetre shorter than my left, and the knitting has a bit of stretch in it, anyway.

Quotes on old age

"At age 20, we worry about what other people think of us; at 40 we don't care what they think of us; at 60 we discover they haven't been thinking of us at all".                        Bob Hope

"I refuse to go on that Grumpy Old Men programme, because if I go on, I'll be grumpy about grumpy old men".                             

Stephen Fry

"During much of my life, I was anxious to be what someone else wanted me to be.  Now I have given up that struggle.  I am what I am".

Elizabeth Coatsworth

Interesting!!

These photos were posted on facebook recently.

Of course, I'm sure Nigella doesn't look that gorgeous first thing in the morning, when she's just got out of bed, and I'm sure the other woman could look better with makeup and a professional hairdo, but I still know who I'd rather look like.

Answer to the anagram

Elvis Presley

A Joke

Chicken Surprise
A couple went for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and ordered "Chicken Surprise".  The waiter brought the meal, served in a covered pot.  Suddenly, the pot lid raises a little, and two beady eyes look around before the lid closes.   "Did you see that?"  the wife asked her husband.  Just then it happened again.  Up came the lid, out came two beady eyes, and down went the lid again.   The husband called the waiter over to ask for an explanation.
"Please sir", said the waiter.   "What did you order?" 
"Chicken Surprise" replied the husband.
"AH!  So sorry" said the waiter.  "My mistake.  I bring you Peeking Duck".


Short Short

Sweet Tooth
The familiar feeling washed over me - raised hairs on the back of my neck, and a pounding heart.  The thought of a filling always affected me this way.  There he was in his white coat, manoeuvring the trolley closer and closer.
"Which do you prefer, Madam", he asked, "strawberry or chocolate filling in your cake?"


Thanks Iggy

Wow, did we have some rain last night!   Thanks to declining cyclone Iggy, we had 87ml from around 4pm yesterday, until sometime early this morning.  I couldn't believe my eyes when I went out to check the rain gauge this morning.   It's ironic, and so unfair, that we should be so desperate for rain, when the east coast (of Australia) is in such a mess from too much rain.

I had to take a photo of the rain gauge, as I've never seen it this full before,

and probably never will again.

A couple of quotes

"Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new".

     Albert Einstein              

"How many legs on a dog if you call the tail a leg? 

Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg".                                            

    Abraham Lincoln     

Did you know?

The average soccer ball is made of 32 leather panels, held together by 642 stitches.

And while we're on soccer, here's an interesting anagram for you. 

Bravo! Victim and a dickhead.

Answer at the bottom of the page.

Local Wildlife

We have countless insects around where we live, and although we've been here 10 years, we're always finding something new. 

My husband found this beautiful "Jewel Beetle" a few weeks ago.

Anagram solution - David and Victoria Beckham

    

Don't blame me for that, I just found it in a puzzle magazine!

        



* Happy New Year *

My 2011 in brief

I promised myself this time last year that I'd catch up with old friends.  I managed to catch up with four of them.   Hopefully I'll add more this year.

In January I made my first yoghurt.  It wasn't bad, but did have a slight burnt taste from burning the milk as I scalded it.

In June a young chap driving a Woollies grocery delivery van managed to find his way up our firebreak, getting himself bogged!   He was supposed to be delivering to the property across the road!

Pepper reckons he could dig it out!

In July I finally made a decent batch of Lemon Butter.  I've tried before, but never had any luck, but this time I got it right.

In September my debit card was hacked.  Fortunately, I always keep the balance low, and there wasn't enough in it for the amount the hackers wanted. 

In October I made some hyperbolic crochet balls! 

They're easier than they look.  You make a small chain loop, then just keep crocheting 2 stitches in each stitch, until it's as large as you want it.

Also in October I came equal first in a soap competition on Melt and Pour Soap Crafters facebook page.  My prize was to have my soap photo as profile pic for 2 weeks, and also two lovely soap moulds from Bebe moulds.   

These soaps were made with one of the moulds I won.

In December we had a thunderstorm one lunchtime which really shook us up.  There was a huge cracking sound, and Sootie wasn't the only one terrified!  Turns out our phone, which was about 3 feet from where Eddie was sitting, was zapped.

Needless to say, the phone doesn't work any more!

Although Sootie is terrified of thunder,

Pepper reckons it's just one more thing to see off. 

With every clap, he runs outside and barks at the sky.







Merry Christmas to you all

1980's Christmas photo.

Bit of a dodgy beard there, Santa!

Christmas Quotes

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
Dave Barry

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
Johnny Carson

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
Bernard Manning

There are some people who want to throw their arms round you simply because it is Christmas; there are other people who want to strangle you simply because it is Christmas.
Robert Wilson Lynd

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
Shirley Temple

Christmas Tree Soaps

Happy New Year everyone.   See you next year!



Related to Murphy's Law

1. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
2. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
3. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. 
4. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
5. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
6. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

Losing Weight

I wondered why my clothes weren't fitting properly lately.  Turns out I've gained 3kg in the last couple of months!   Guess I need to take this advice.

The Irish Genius

Paddy wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little maths test. 

    "Here is your first question", the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

    "Without numbers?" Paddy says? "Dat's easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

    "What's this?" the boss asks.

    "Have you no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says Paddy.

    "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.

    "Ere ye go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

    "Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire Paddy, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

Paddy stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere ye go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog came along and pooped by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

Paddy is the new supervisor.


Visitor in our garden

This friendly froggie was found by my husband in our back yard recently.

Disappearing words & expressions

1. Best bib & tucker - best "going out" clothes.
2. Bob - as in shilling, as in 10cents.
3. Courting, stepping out, going steady.
4. Let's have a dekko - let's see.
5. Radiogram - forerunner to the stereo player.

More inflation

I recently found a receipt from my parent's honeymoon in 1945.   They spent a week at Jacoby House in Mundaring, and it cost them 6 guineas - $12.60!


Petrol bowser

Although this is a recent photo, (taken by my son) the bowser is probably from about the same

 era as my parent's honeymoon.

Neck exercises for computer users

Spending too much time using a computer can cause neck strain, so these exercises should be done every 60 minutes to help avoid problems.

Definitions

• Cannibal - someone who is fed up with people.
• Adult - a person who has stopped growing at both ends, and is now growing in the middle.
• Dust - mud with the juice squeezed out.
• Secret - something you tell to one person at a time.
• Tomorrow - one of the great labour saving devices of today.
• Wrinkles - something other people have, similar to my character lines.
• Chickens - the only animal you can eat before they're born, and after they're dead.

Soap Lady

This woman actually turned into soap after she was dead & buried!

You know you're getting old when you feel like the day after the night before and you haven't even been anywhere.     Milton Berle



Inflation

I've been looking through some old papers recently, and I found out that in September 1999, gold was $US268.75/oz, and oil was $24.81 a barrel.  Tonight on the news they were $1663.64 and $85.98.  


Success

I guess this could also apply to the oil and gold prices - not exactly a smooth ride up.

Y2K

Remember the millenium bug?   What a worry that was at the time.  People were told their washing machines, clocks, computers, cars, anything with electrics, might not work after January 1, 2000, because of some perceived problem with the date change to a new millenium.  (Personally, I believe 2000 was the final year of the previous millenium).   While looking through my old papers, I also found a leaflet from the Denmark Shire (in Western Australia) advising people how to cope if the worst happened - whatever that might have been.   Here is a section of the leaflet:

"Chaos, or opportunity?
The Millennium Bug, or 'Y2K', may affect more than computers and business - there could be widespread disruptions to the provision of goods and services.
No-one knows how serious the problems may be, or how long they may last, but preparations we make now, as a community and as individuals, will help to minimise any disruptions and their effects on Denmark.
This problem has never happened before, so only two things are certain:

January 1, 2000 will come
                and
We're all in it together!"



Royal Show 50 years ago

My sister, brother and myself at the Perth Royal Show, 1951

I think the last time I went to the Show was 1983.

Every year I tell myself I'll go next year, but then I see the crowds there on TV,

and have second thoughts!



Some interesting questions

1. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
2. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
3. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
4. Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
5. Why did you just try singing the two songs above?  

Some of my "cakes of soap"

I made these around 2 years ago, and my son still has one sitting on his windowsill!

He says it's too nice to use as soap.  

A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

Grumpy Old Lady (that's me!)

I've just returned home from a trip down town, and I'm frazzled!   A lot of drivers, especially those towing caravans, tootle along 20 or 30kms slower than the speed limit, then when we get to a safe passing area, they put their foot down.  Grrrrr!!!


To soap or not to soap?

According to this information, we should not be using soap on our skin, because it strips the natural oil from it.  This is true, if you're using commercial soaps.  I used to have a bad rash on my lower legs, and needed to use moisturiser on them every day.   But I have been using my own home made soaps for 12 years now, and haven't had a rash in all that time.  Commercial soaps have the glycerine stripped out of them, but home made soaps still have it in.  Also, if you make your own soaps, you can use extra fats or oils to make them less drying. 

I agree, unless you're a mechanic, gardener, or grubby little kid, you really don't need to use soap.  But there's something luxurious about the feel of a rich, creamy personally created bar of soap, so I'll be lathering up for a long time to come.

Here are some of my fancy "cute as a button" soaps.

Politically incorrect jokes

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started... 

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

The importance of walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home

at $4,000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.

I like long walks,especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing...
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
  The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say,

'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Watermelon carving

What a shame to go to all that trouble for just a few hours.

Thank goodness for photography!

"A cage is a cage, even if the bars are gold."

Indian poet Vallathol Narayana Menon

 

Remembering September 11, 2001

Do you remember where you were when you heard about the twin towers being hit?   I was watching "Rove", they'd just gone to an ad, and said they were previewing a movie after the ad.   When the footage of the tower smoking came on, I thought it was from the movie.   Then a plane flew into the other tower, and there was an announcement about what was happening.  It gave me goosebumps, thinking about what was happening, and that I was actually seeing it as it happened!

Germs

I remember when my daughter was small, we bought her an icecream from Mr Whippy.  She took one lick, then held it down for her dog to have a lick.  She was quite happy to share with him, but Mr Whippy must have thought that wasn't a good thing, because he gave her another icecream for free! 

She certainly was a little cutie!

More classy autographs

A little birdie, flying high

   dropped his message from the sky

As I wiped it from my eye

   I thanked the Lord that cows don't fly.

Little fly upon the wall

Ain't you got no clothes at all?

Ain't you got a blouse and skirt?

Ain't you got a shimmy shirt?

Ain't you cold?



Some more of my soaps

I like to experiment with my soap making, so here are a few of my "cakes" of soap.

Quotes on old age

• "Birthdays are good for you.  Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest".       Larry Lorenzoni
• "When friends pressed her to have a walking stick, Princess Alice reluctantly agreed, but she had it disguised as an umbrella".       R.W. Apple
• "Growing old is something you do if you're lucky".   Groucho Marx
• "There are three signs of old age: loss of memory . . . I forget the other two".    Red Skelton
• "You know you're getting old when you feel like the morning after the night before, and you haven't even been anywhere".   Milton Berle

Golden Orb spider

This is my friend Goldie, who lived in my front garden for most of last summer.  Even with all the birds we have around here, she managed to survive until some teenage relatives visited, and decided to kill her.  They didn't understand some people don't think of all spiders as "bad".

Nothing is eternal, not even problems.



Edible playdough

I found this recipe on the internet about 10 years ago.  I have never tried it, because it looks kind of "icky".  Imagine the sticky mess all over the kids and table.
1 cup peanut butter
1 cup honey
2 cups powdered milk
Mix together and add more powdered milk
  if necessary to make a firm dough. 
It's safe to eat, and doesn't harden.

It may be safe to eat, but I reckon there'd be a few belly aches it they ate too much of it.


Quotes about women

• "I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me".    Sigmund Freud
• "My wife and I were happy for twenty years.  Then we met".    Henny Youngman
• "You know what I did before I was married?  Anything I wanted to".   Anon
• "There's a way of transferring funds that even faster than electronic banking.  It's called marriage".   Sam Kinison
• "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage.  We take time to go to a restaurant twice a week for a candlelight dinner, soft music and dancing.  She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays".  Anon

This photo of my grandparents is probably over 80 years old.

I have no idea why she's on the bike, and he's in the sidecar!

Home delivery

When my two youngest children were preschoolers, I used to earn some extra cash by delivering pamphlets while pushing the kiddies in their stroller.   One morning my daughter asked "Can we deliver pikelets today, Mum?"



Such a little cutie - love the hairdo

Safety first

When my son was four years old, he was interested in cars.  He knew our windscreen was safe from rock hits because it had been "lemonaded".

Here he is helping to paint the walls of the cubby house.

Most people refuse to face the face that play is just as exhausting as work.



Asher & Daniel

This is the view I had as I backed out of the driveway after visiting my grandsons.

Charming little chaps, aren't they!

Some questions for you

1. How happy is Larry?
2. How high is a kite?
3. How thick are two short planks?
4. And just how many sandwiches are there in a picnic?

An "olden days" recipe

And very healthy it is, too!

Coffee Marshmallow
14 marshmallows
Cup hot strong black coffee
1 pint whipped cream

Melt marshmallows in coffee.  When cold, fold in cream.  Place in refrigerator until cold.

Sounds yummy.  I might have to make this sooner rather than later.

A stereotypical seagull

This chip-eating seagull was walking down the footpath in front of me when I was in Denmark recently.   I managed to get out my camera and get this shot of him at a perfect angle. 

Quotes re old age

"Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese".   Billie Burke

"How old would you be if you didn't know how old you were?"    Satchel Paige

"It is better to be 70 years young than 40 years old".    Oliver Wendell Holmes

And finally, for those of you with a musical bent . . . .

. . . a metro-gnome

If you have integrity, nothing else matters.  I you don't have integrity, nothing else matters. 

Finger chopped or photoshopped?

This photo is from a website called "fropki".

There are hundreds of funny photos and cartoons to check out.

http://www.fropki.com/funny-pics-vf47.html

Did you know?

• Formosa is Chinese for "the beautiful"
• During WW1, the German army's uniforms were made of 85% nettle fibre.   http://www.dryit.com/nettles.html
• The coldest temperature recorded on Earth was -89c (129F) at Vostock, Antarctica on July 21, 1983.  http://www.livescience.com/9795-story-earth-coldest-temperature.html
• The hottest temperature recorded on Earth was 57.8c (136F) at El Azizia, Libya on September 13, 1922.  http://www.extremescience.com/zoom/index.php/extreme-weather/22-extreme-weather/63-hottest-place-on-earth

This is what happens to sweetcorn when it's really hot outside.
http://lolzombie.com/2427/hot-popcorn/


Another couple of my "published works"

I don't think my daughter's boyfriend, who is from Victoria, realised how big West Australia is.  When they were travelling from Melbourne to Perth, he breathed a sigh of relief when they reached the SA/WA border.  His comment was "Thank goodness we're nearly there!"

My husband and I had been to see a movie at the drive-in with our six kids in our station wagon.  When we arrived home, we picked up the baby and headed inside, leaving the older kids to come in by themselves.  When my husband went out to lock the car, he found five-year-old Jamie asleep in the back of the wagon.  Our self-esteem as good parents was certainly dented for a while after that!


An Olden Days recipe

Melting Moments
6 ozs flour
6 ozs butter melted (not marg.)
2 ozs corn flour
2 ozs icing sugar

Mix all well together, form into balls, place on baking tray and press down with a fork.  Bake in a slow oven for 20 minutes.  
Not the healthiest snack, but very yummy melt-in-your-mouth bikkies.

My gemstone soaps

Simple to make, but time consuming, the end result was worth it.

Last, but not least, something for those who have never known life without computers.



Nothing is eternal, not even problems.